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Life
I don't know what im going to do with my life; im afraid of failure and disappointing people; everyone seems to peg me for the type of person who's going to make something of themself but in all honestly i dont think i will; i dont know who i am or have any idea of what i want in life; im going nowhere fast and if this makes sense - i care so much that im beginning to not care.


Pregnant
I want to become pregnant soo much ... and all i see on tv is stuff on pregnancy .. and that makes me want to get pregnant more... and yet i have no boyfriend.


MMORPG
I was addicted to WoW. After work, it was the only thing I did. Social life went close to zero. Then I quitted because my friends ad family supported me to do so. Now it has been a year and I still dream and think about it, how much I want to go back to Azeroth. But I promised I would never play it again. I fear I'm going back very soon.


Guilty and Sad
I accidentally cut my hamster when I was grooming him. I feel horribly guilty! He has a big open wound now and I don't know what to do! I have cleaned it and medicated it, but I can't get over how careless I was. I am truly and terribly sorry! But I still feel awful! I regret it! I have cut his hair before cause he gets feces stuck in it, but this time he moved and that's how i cut him. =(


Why?
Why is it that when you walk past, I have to be laughing? I'm not even doing it for you. It's as if I'm trying to kid myself into believing that I don't need you to be happy.


Cheating
I am cheating on my girlfriend with another girl and am about to add another girl to the mix as well.


Am i a bad person?
I met this guy a few years ago, online. he wa amazing to talk to and i found myself falling in love with him. the problem is that i finally met in person him a few months after we met, and i found out his looks were not as amazing as his personality. i'm ashamed to say that i can't even go anywhere in public with him because i'm pretty good looking and i think being with him makes me look bad.


Old Boss
I used to work for this total dork. The guy would do anything to get ahead, and especially if he could climb over your back to do it. He got transferred, and I sent him a greeting card full of glitter. I wrote in the card, "hey jerk, I'm glad you are gone!" I just wish I could have been there when he opened the card and got pink glitter all over his blue uniform.


Can't stop thinking about her
There's a girl I talk to, I cant stop thinking about her. I think about her all day and dream about her most nights. When I think about her I get an adrenaline rush, so I have a constant adrenaline rush all day. The other day I was talking to her and this put me in such a good mood I was happy all day. I think she likes me sometimes when I look up in class she's staring at me, she wants to hang around with me alot. I want nothing more than to be with her. I've liked girls before but nothing like this. Am I in love? What should I do?"


Mistreated a classmate
When I was in first & second grade, I was involved in harassing & making fun of a girl in my class. I think she was from a rather poor family & would sometimes come to school without bathing or not dressed appropriately for the weather. Once, a "friend" pointed out that she was not wearing underpants as the whole class sat in a circle & listened to the teacher read. We sat & whispered & giggled about it until the girl realized what we were doing. She was just mortified. I'm 40 years old & I've done worse things than this, but THIS is the thing I'm most remorseful for. She moved away a couple of years later & I have no way of finding her to apologize. I'm actually afraid that if I were to track her down & apologize, she would just tell me to go to hell. I hope she has had a good life & I'm terribly sorry for my behavior. I hope she would forgive me but I'm not a forgiving person myself & it's a horrible way to live. - M


Dandruff
i enjoy picking my dandruff then picking it out of my nails and making a big pile with them. i expecially love big chunks ok them gettting stuck in my nails.


I want to fight
I am a 23 year old female, I am a professional, and I really want to fight. Not with anyone in particular, I just have frequent urges to just get in a fight with someone... I mean like a serious fight. I have not told anyone about this as I know no one would understand. Heck I don't understand either. But I am really close to just go out to a random bar and just pick a fight with another woman.


Dork Love
I'm in love with the biggest dork and I have never been happier with any other guy. My friends don't approve. I am torn.


stolen car
I stole a car that was a friend of mines mothers while they watch me do it. They didn't see me enough to know who I was but they watch as someone drove away with thier car. My friend was distracting them when I did it.. They never found out who did it. We left the car after we had some fun with it and it took about 2 weeks before the cops found it.


Why ????"
you know I still Love you, but I don't want you anymore. When you first left all I wanted was you back. That is not longer the way things are. I still think about you alot, I guess that is because of all the good times we spent together. The one little part of me that wants you back is for you to help me. Help me with the mess you made before you left and the mess you made worse after you left. I want to get things in my life back together with your help it could be done so easily. I think that would help both of us out. I know you feel guilty for what you have done and no one can change that. But you can help it if you would just help fix the mess you caused. I can't see myself getting involved with anyone until the mess is cleaned up. I now have the means to get it all straightened up if you would just help me out some. I still have the papers you signed that has caused all the problems.


i feel so empty
im 18....shes only 14. she makes me happy and shes the only girl that is there for me right now. i fell for her...but i cant be with her because my friends dont approve. now i feel cold empty and alone.


I abused my housekeeper for 3+ years
I would torture my housekeep kick her, smack her, dump water on her, stop her from eating, make her life a hell and work her to death. After 4 years she almost got away so I reported her to immigration and she was deported back to Bolivia.....................................I AM A BAD PERSON I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


About the baby
I'm so unhappy that I'm pregnant. Our second child, a girl is due any day now, and I'm still unhappy about having another child. I haven't told me husband, but I've thought about giveing her up for adoption. I haven't mentioned this because I know he'd hear nothing of it, and I'd regret it eventually. It's too soon. I just had a baby in June 2006. I just got used to being a mother. I'm trying to get excited about her, but I keep feeling like my life is going to be over. I try to feel attached to her, but I don't...


I Cheated On Him
I loved my boyfriend very much, but he didn't treat me right. I was introduced to his best friend after he moved back into town, and we really hit it off. His best friend told me that my boyfriend didn't treat me right, and that I deserved someone better.


Cheating
One night he came onto me, so I decided I'd see where it would go. Soon enough it turned into a big deal, and we were seeing each other almost every day behind my boyfriend's back. Finally the pressure got to me, and I broke up with my boyfriend. Although, when I realised I loved him, I got back together with him almost straight away. I decided I'd end it with his friend. But before I could do that, his best friend ended it with me after somebody found out.

He never spoke to me again, and my boyfriend dumped me. I know that I deserve it, even if my boyfriend didn't treat me good.


Best Friends
I have two best friends, a girl and a guy. I've known them for years, and we went to school together and everything. I've always known that my best friend who is a girl has had a major crush on our best friend who is a guy. She's too scared to make a move, and she told me that she never will in case she ruins the friendship.

But I've had a crush on the guy ever since I met him, too. Except I made a move. She doesn't know that me and this guy had one amazing night together, and I never told anybody. We decided that we wouldn't continue it, but I didn't tell him why I didn't want a relationship with him. I feel so guilty, and I even once told my friend that I had a little crush on him. She got really mad at me, and stopped talking to me for a month, or so, before I told her I was just being silly and that I was joking.

I can't be honest with my feelings without hurting her, and scaring him away because of it all.


Fighting
I fight with my boyfriend all the time.He cheated on me in the past, and when we were seperated he slept with another woman who is still in love with him. But now, I begin fights with my boyfriend for no real reason at all. I'll be in a perfectly fine mood, but if I notice he's getting too comfortable, I'll create a fight out of something he's said, or something he has or hasn't done.

And it will always either end up that he is objectifying me, or he is using me, or I'm just a girl he's dating because he can't date his ex girlfriend again. And I'll always bring up his cheating, and the girl who still loves him.

I'll always bring up every little thing he's done in the past.

We had a big fight tonight because he told his friend something I asked him not to, and then it got around. I wasn't so mad at first, but when he apologised about it, I suddenly felt so angry that I refused to talk to him, I didn't answer his txt messages. But when he didn't call, I got even angrier, called him and asked why he didn't even bother to see if I was okay. He apologised, but I just hung up.

I'm really angry at him, but I know it's over nothing. We fight at least once a week, and he always apologises even though he did nothing wrong. Somebody called me a drama queen, and they said that I like the attention he gives me, but I don't think thats it.

I feel like because he has hurt me so much in the past, I don't want him to be happy at all.

I feel so guilty.


5 Weeks
My parents haven't said "I love you" once in 5 weeks to me. Keeping track of how long it has been is almost worse than their silence

November 19, 2007 - how long will they be silent?


boyfriend/mother
I lied to my mother and invited my boyfriend into my bedroom. But nothing happened!!


I admit it
I am totally and completely in love with Jason. I long to see those eyes and that smile of his one more time. Breaks my heart that I don't get to see you everyday. February 17, 2005. I miss you.


stingy mean
i feel so bad.i have a classmate who is so nice to me that she shares all her secrets to me and why i feel so so bad is i cant do the same thing to her.i cant share my stuff to her most especially the fact that i'm crushing the guy she also likes...


I'm selfish
Ok, I'm no christian. I'm not a buddhist. Not a Jew. Hiduism isn't me. Scientology is Star Wars, not religion.


I LOVE HIM!
I LOVE HIM. BUT HE HAS NO CLUE. Instead, he flirts with my best friend at parties. SHE KNOWS I like him. But she flirts back! WHAT DO I DO. WE ARE FRIENDS, but i dont think he sees it that way. I JUST WISH HE FELT THE SAME!


Parking Lot Provocation
Snowplows had piled snow around the perimeter of the parking lot, so I took extra care to leave room for another car to park next to me--I parked over as far as I could without getting too close to the car already parked to my right. When I returned to my car, sure enough another car had pulled into the space, but they had done such a sloppy park job that there were only about 4 inches between our rear fenders, and only about 10 inches between our front fenders. I could barely squeeze between our two cars when I trudged through the snow from the front. It appeared the other driver had left him/herself ample room to exit the car on the driver side, but obviously they didn't consider how I was going to get into my car. I was so upset --especially after I had tried to be considerate enough to leave them room--that I swung the door open as hard as I could into their door. I grabbed a piece of paper from my purse and wrote a cryptic note saying that it was unfortunate they had been so inconsiderate in the way they had parked because I couldn't enter my car without dinging their door. Then I stuck it under their windshield wiper. With great difficulty (I'm recovering from a back injury), I climbed through the passenger side of my car and over the console. Once in the driver's seat, I swung my door open again as hard as I could against the side of the other car, leaving a small crease.

Now, I feel really terrible. Yes, perhaps they had been inconsiderate, but that doesn't excuse my reaction. Over the week, I've noticed other cars parked in similar fashion in that same stall. I guess the way the snow is piled up, the drivers don't think they can pull in straight (in reality they could, but they might have to back up and pull in several times, then step over about 6 inches of snow near their left rear bumper as they walked out of the stall). "


smoking
i have been smoking for the past two and a half years n my parents still havent come to know of it.


ummm......
my friend has been dating this girl for a couple months now, and i can't stop thinking about her. i go out of my way to see her, make up excuses to talk to her. i know that there is no way she will ever see me the same way she sees him, and it kills me because even though i know he appreciates her, he doesnt treat her nearly as well as he should. there is almost nothing i can do without thinking about this girl, and every time i think about her the pain inside get's worse.

Remorseful
I am sorry for all the lies and problems I have caused with so many people. Dear Lord please forgive me, I want to start fresh in the New Year and just be grateful for all the good things in my life. I need the strength to turn the other cheek, and just get on with life in a positive manner.


Typical
He's 33, I'm 17. He USED to be my teacher. I don't see a problem, I don't think that he sees much of a problem. But he hasn't kissed me yet and I want him to kiss me so god damn much. He came on holiday with me and my friend for four days and I realised how great we are for each other, how much we click. I'm so scared that we will never happen and we will have both walked past the best thing in our lives.


Pieces of me
I think I'm in love with this wonderful guy, while another part of me tells me no stay away. Then another piece doesn't want to think about it and just have fun, yet to contradict that one is the part that just wants to run away and hide. Its driving me crazy.


Friends, Family, and Life.
I am currently 20 years old residing at my mothers house. Living off of her... though more so she's living off of me. She has to take care of my sisters 3 kids; 7 year old girl, 6 year old girl, and a 14 month old. When the 14 month was first born was the day all the kids were taken away from her. My sister currently has 6 kids, which she is responsible for none of, currently. Which I find very unfair... She brings children into this world, and we're forced to take care of them. Where's the logic in this? But I digress...

It seems as the days go on, I'm unable to really enjoy my life anymore since I basically fear everything. I fear getting a job since most corporate jobs make you play these games with them in order to get this job you want. All the lies you're constantly being told "Oh we'll give you a call." mostly, which never happens. I call them, they're never there or they say once again "Oh we'll give you a call" to the point where I fear I'm just gonna piss them off if I keep calling them.

I can't drive because no one wants to teach me, except my Dad who lives 50 miles away from me and did a very poor job teaching me last time I went over there. My brother drives a stick which I refuse to learn due to, once again, fear of breaking the car by clutching wrong. Since I know that it kills the transmission if you grind. And I fear that me not being able to drive has been really getting in the way of things... Especially trying to get a job.

I haven't had a girlfriend in about 2 years, which was my only real serious girlfriend. I don't know why I can't find another one... I really would like to, but it just seems around here, no one really has anything in common with me, and whenever I try to find someone online, a good 90% of them just completely ignore me. Such as on Myspace, if you send them a message inviting a conversation, I get no reply with the message status left on "Read". I feel as if meeting girls online is my only way of meeting them, since I've always feared being rejected...

My friends though? I can't stand them. Usually hanging out with them is alright, but once it comes to talking to them online. All I hear is attitude and backtalking. For instance... we were suppose to go to the mall and pick up a game, and about at 4:00 PM, I get a message from her, telling me that she's at my other friends house, giving me some excuse as to why she stood me up. That friend in question also bugs me, cause he's spoiled rotten. He lives with his grandma who spoils him, buying him a 42 inch LCD TV, a computer worth well 1,200 dollars, just about any game he wants, his grandpa gave him his truck... It just pisses me off since my family has no money at all, yet they spend theirs frivolously.

But I can't get rid of these friends, because in the end... I'd have no one else to be with. I have very little self-respect. Most of the time when I think about these people I'd like to befriend, I think "Why would they wanna talk to some kid who can't even pass school, has no job..." because as I see it, this is the main reason as to why no one would respond to me.

I always feel like my attitude is the reason for all of this, I'm a very sarcastic person. I have a hard time being serious about anything in person because as I was raised, I was raised around people who taught me just to not care about anything. Shrug it off. Say "OK" to irrelevant things. Mock those who dwell on unimportant things or say silly things. And really... I can't see myself ever stopping doing that either. I saw a psych once and he said I'm perfectly OK, that I'm just a leader who doesn't quite know how to be a leader.

The only thing that really makes me feel better about myself is learning. Knowing more stuff than others, so that way I've something to cling onto for respect... Though half the time I can't even do that.

I've no idea what to do anymore... - sigh -


i don't wanna hear
you talk about me being annoying when i am drunk, if i keep my mouth shut when you make me wanna shoot myself when you're wasted, because i'm a good friend. it also hurts to hear that yall talk about me as annoying when i had the biggest let down in my life, while i was there holding you for yours. and i always will be. i hope you feel terrible and don't know what to say to me. i sometimes wish i could die, just so everyone would realize what they were to me was nothing like i was to them.


Poop @ work
I always use the handicapped stall at work so I can set my coffee on the handrail and enjoy a quiet poop and sip coffee. I hate it when the wheelchair guy sits patiently outside the door...waiting...


I hooked her up
I have a girlfriend of 2 years and 6 months yesterday. I still cant get over a girl I had a fling with 4 years ago. The worst part is, I set up my bestfriend with her. And now I'm falling for my best friend too. I'm sorry baby.


I'm Better Then You
I am better then you. I'm smarter, classier, more interesting. I care about the world. I have deeper emotions then "those shoes are pretty!" I don't care about that.

Yes I am an elitist. But last time I checked, the elitists ruled the world. Not the mindless masses. You buy things that are "in fashion" even when they look awful! And you claim to care about beauty, but don't put any thought into it....

And speaking of thought, what was the last deep thought you had?

And you! You little drama filled teenager!! You are so typical I could scream.

I'm going away. I'm going to college so I can find people who love to think, to read, to write, to be themselves, to dream. Not to be stuck in some little nothing town, thinking nothing thoughts.

And I'm not religious. I don't believe in God. And I don't pray. You're a hypocrite.

And it gets to the point where I can't stand sitting with you!! Or talking to you! Can I even speak with you?? What shall we speak of?? BAGS? SHOES?? HOW GOOD THIS TASTES???

WHAT ABOUT ART? WHAT ABOUT PASSION AND INJUSTICE AND VIOLENCE?? WHAT ABOUT THE WORLD!???

ARAGH!! STAY IN YOUR PLACE!! STAY IN IT!! YOU COULDN'T CRAWL OUT IF YOU TRIED!!!


I know I shouldn't but...
I am trying so hard to get over him...I was doing really well until...that day. I shouldn't be paying such close attention to his day~to~day moves, but I miss him and hate that my walking away from him meant nothing and he probably doesn't even miss me...God please forgive me for what I have done in trying to relieve myself..it really wasn't so bad...I haven't hurt anyone...yet


Unfaithful
I'm in a 'relationship' with someone online for a long time now, and I truly do love him, even if people think it's just "e-love". I talk to him every day, and I miss him so much when I don't. But he lives so far away.

At school, there's this other guy. Someone who's extremely attractive, although not many other girls think so. I have a huge "crush" on him, and sometimes I -stalk- him. Literally. I follow him around, just to look at him. On the internet I try finding out as many things I can on him. I feel like such a bad person, and no matter how many times I try to detach my feelings from this guy, I just can't. I can't help but look for him after class, and see if he's wandering around, trying to catch his eye.

I feel so unfaithful to my online boyfriend though, and it feels like I love both, but that I might have more chance with this guy in my class. Even though, I don't ever talk to him. No matter how many times I try to break up with my boyfriend, he finds sweet things to bring me back. It's sad, and extremely frustrating. My friends tell me I should just never go online again. But I can't. I'm too attached, too dependant, and I hate myself for it.


The secrets of feelings returned
I met a girl who I have almost everything in common with - which is strange. Its like destiny brought us together, just a few twists of pure fate collided our fates together in some strange pattern.

I'm sure i've never, ever felt this way about someone else before; and I think she likes me too - from what I've read. This is just so strangely fantastic.


i killed my love
I loved this girl. but did lot of mistakes. i didn't tell her that i loved her even though she proposed to me. by the time i realized i was in love, it was all over from her side. she started hating me. i respect her as a person. i missed an angel. hope she gets a better person than me. i had to move on in my life as well. it has been still past 5 yrs. hope i am not hurting her soul.


self worth
in the process of finding self worth and love i have landed face first into depression.

I am currently in a relationship with a boy i have liked for more than a year now, he's broken inside, and as dumb as this sounds: i like it. not that he's emotionally broken, of course- but that maybe.. i can fix him, like an old house, i suppose. maybe there's something twisted inside of me that makes me love defects...

this boy.. sweet... nice.. loving.. and overall everything i could have sworn i wanted.. i find myself missing him within seconds of leaving his arms (departure hug, of course)... and.. need i tell that i used to have a little.. crush, if you will, on his best friend..

this boy.. completely different.. and.. i know i don't feel the same about him now as i used to, but when he told me one night- drunk off whiskey shots- that he really really likes me.. and has for months... and.. i count back..to every last time i saw him- and we always end up mildly physical (cuddling, etc) and i wonder why.. even though my now boyfriend.. was always there.. and always got upset with me (considering he's been broken from cheating more times than once)... that i let any of this happen am i starving for attention?

i constantly feel the need to be.. with someone, to be attracted to someone of the opposite sex. i'm sick of feeling worthless outside of being next to a guy. someone just tell me what the hell is my problem..


Testify? No, TestiLIE!
I go to a pentecostal church where people freak out and act like idiots when they get excited about god and religion. I have an uncanny ability to get these people worked up about jesus, so I get up and testify so they will scream, holler and shout so I can secretly laugh at them. The thing is, I don't believe in god. If fact, I know god doesn't exist, but I pretend to believe so I can get my jollies off the pentecostals who do.


38, Male, Bulimic
I puke almost every day after dinner. Nobody knows. I'm not a teenage girl, I'm a 38 year old man, but I can't control it.


I am so lazy......
I keep a large Burger King cup beside my couch that I piss in so I don't have to get up and go to the bathroom.


Commitment
I am in love with a man and he is in love with me. we have the same life goals and our personalities would make a great marriage. but i cant commit to him, even as his girlfriend because I couldnt face my family if I screwed up and had another failed relationship. It isnt fair to him to make him wait for something that may never happen but i dont want to lose him...


I am so medded up...
I recently broke off an engagement to a man who was emotionally abusive. Since then i have had many men pursue me but i dont feel like any of them are actually available to me. But i am only interested in one. he has told me that if i will be with him that he will leave his girlfriend for me. I actually love this guy but i dont want to be with him if he leaves one girl for another. i feel he is off-limits. however, i am tired of being lonely and i am considering going back to my ex fiance because i know he will take me back and i so dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. my family hates him they will never speak to me if i go back. but i am so tempted to, i feel like i cant get anyone else.


Declaration
I think Iím beginning to realize I canít put my life on hold for you. A part of me (a very big part of me) still believes-and always will believe- that you and I are meant for each other. And hell, weíre young. One day, we could still give couple-dom a shot. But right now, itís not convenient. I donít think itís working for either of us. And I can speak only for myself, but I donít intend to spend my entire high school career pining away for the Tommy Hazard who never quite does the exactly right thing. I want to be the butterfly I am; I love flirting with danger, but I need to realize that maybe I am better off if the cat just goes home for a while and lets me do my own thing. And the cat always comes back after all, right? Curiosity and all. I just really hope the cat doesnít die. *sigh* I love you. Probably forever will. But I think maybe, I need to put you in a box for a little while. Not forever- God no, not forever- but just until I figure out exactly what it is Iím looking for. And then, when I go into my garage looking for it, your box will fall down and Iíll open it, and find you again. And by then, I think weíll both be ready.


It's a damn shame
What is this world coming to today when you can't get help at the county hospital unless you have $76 up front .It's after christmas I aint got no damn money. I don't have insurance cuz i don't have a job. i went to several regular dentist offices and one even gave me a free exam to see what wrong and told me that the infection in my tooth has began spreading to the rest of my teeth and they need to be taken out immediately because it's a health issue.They wanted $395 in which i do not have. I say this to say it's a shame that these people are in a profession next to god and because they are so hungry for the dollar bill They can look you in the eyes and tell you something like that and do nothing.And all i can do is think if something was to happen to me What would happen to the numerous dentist offices i went to. Would they start having compassion for people? Or would they be held accountable so that they are no longer able to turn people down in a state of emergency.


Screwed up
Once I knew a girl that I liked. She liked me back, we were both texting eachother alot. Then she did something with out my knowledge, deleted all her sent messages and saved certain messages from me. Then she went around my class showing people and saying stuff like I was stalking her.. She proceded to mess with my head. Its amazing what a girl can do. She nearly made me take my life, thats how much it messed me up..


UUUGGHHHH!!!
I'm in love with a girl 11 years younger than me....when we met I know she thought I was butt ugly and just down right creepy....what she doesnt know is that I lost 60 pounds through lovesickness and I cant stop thinking about her....and I dont know how to contact her....I just want her in my life...its been over a year...and I miss her.


What I wish I could say to him
Although I have tried in so many words to say so and have even told you (Mike) in a roundabout way...I have to say that I love you with all my heart and soul. I think about you when I wake up in the morning, all during the day, and at night when I go to sleep. You are in my dreams and thoughts all of the time. To see your name, gives me butterflies. I have loved you for as long as I can remember (almost ten years now). Our friendship and intimate moments mean the world to me. I feel empty when I am not with you or do not talk to you for some time. I hate the situation that I am in and wish we could be together for real. I wish you weren't where you are either. I know you love me too but are afraid to admit it to me. Our bond is strong...not being able to have you completely, breaks my heart. It is so very difficult to only have you to myself for brief moments. Yet, to walk away from you will destroy me. Mike, you complete me. Hopefully, one day we will have the chance to really be together and to admit how we really feel.


I am incapable of love...
When I was 3 my biological father abandoned me, i lived in a house with an emotionally abusive grandfather. From about that age until I was 7 or 8, I was molested by a "friend of the family". Since then, I have chosen emotionally broken people as my friends, which has continued the cycle of abuse. I have given my body to men I knew to be slime and had my heart broken by each of them. I recently came out of an abusive engagement and I am finally ready to start dating. the guy i am interested in loves me and respects me. and i feel terrible because I dont know how to love anyone with my whole heart. I love him at an arms distance away because I have such a huge fear of him hurting me. he would never hurt me, i know this intellectually. But all i can do is think of reasons why hes not right for me and all the ways he might hurt me. So when i could once hand my heart on a silver platter to a total jerk, i now cannot even call this man my boyfriend for all the love I have for him. I want so much to love him freely but i have forgotten how...


Never been kissed
I need to relate this story to someone, in particular someone that I do not know personally. I have tried to talk about this with those I know, but it feels awkward and usually they answer with the same old "you'll meet someone" speech, which I don't doubt to be true, but nonetheless. I need to talk about this. Even if no one is listening.

There are 9 more days until my 18th birthday. I am a heterosexual female, freshman college student, who has never been kissed or had a boyfriend/male friend with benefits or anything else of the sort. No one's ever even tried to kiss me. I have been on dates though, so I'm not 100% inexperienced.

Don't get me wrong . . . I very much want to be kissed. I think about it quite often, in fact. No one knows but my greatest fear is that I will die a virgin, still never having been kissed. I know this is somewhat irrational, being as I don't know what the future holds, but if I were to die tomorrow, in a car accident or a bombing, I would die never knowing what it feels like.

Which of course brings this story to the "why?" factor. Why might this be? I am not unattractive; I'm 5'1, petite, not overweight, and I have been told I'm very attractive (not by males though). I frequently have crushes on guys I know, celebrities, and even random strangers I find attractive. I have a huge amount of lust simmering within that inevitably leads to immense frustration with this matter.

So why have I never been kissed? Well, for one reason, I was homeschooled, and I had no close same sex friends until the last few years. However, I did experience a very intense episode of unrequited love for a man 13 years older than me. I knew we could never have any sort of future together because of his marital status, but I nevertheless pined away for what I knew would always elude me. I still love him very much, even though we haven't seen each other for two years.

After he left my life, it took me a very long time to recover. I became extremely depressed and only this year have returned to a state of normal behavior. During this time period I think I went on 2 dates, both with different guys. I wasn't really interested in either one of them, in fact the very thought of their possible affection for me was a bit revolting. However, I needed to go out on those dates, because even though I felt absolutely nothing for those boys my need for acceptance and normality overcame my disgust.

This past semester in college I have had a crush on two different fellows. One has a girlfriend, the other does not, and neither of them seem to have even the slightest interest in pursuing even a platonic relationship with me.

But what can I do? I don't know if it's me or just everyone around me, but I'm not sure what to do about this problem and it does bother me intensely. Writing about it seems to help though, so maybe I'll be able to find some mental peace during this tumultuous holiday season.


My nose won't stop growing
I don't know why but I can't stop myself from telling a lie.. it can be about the stupidest things too. I tell lies to make stories sound better, to make people laugh, to get attention. I want to stop but I am afraid that people wont' like me as much. I am known as the funny laid back kinda person and I really don't want to be known as a liar to.


So What About My Ex? (Two Confessions)
This is a dual confession, but as it deals with the same person I suppose I'm forgiven.

First, if I let myself think about him, I realize I am still in love with my ex. Yawn. It's not that I don't love the current victim of my affections, but the prior one put up with me for so long that he knows intimately the moods of my heart. I hate having to wait for the same to be true of my current boyfriend.

Second, I know a large part of the reason I rather unceremoniously dumped said ex had to do with the fact that, while I loved him and (wince with me) still do, I was not physically attracted to him. After years, to be so shallow about looks that won't last anyway is horrible. As much as I publically protest otherwise that looks should never matter, they do to me. Worse yet, I was even a little embarassed by the reactions we'd get: "Why are they together? Why is she dating him?" And it's not that I'm God's gift to men. Apparently we all date within our general level of attractiveness and if someone dates higher or lower, people talk. It's cruel, it's shallow, and everyone does it. Don't just denounce me--take a good, hard look in the mirror and then tell me you don't make dating decisions on some of the same criteria.


My Boyfriend
My boyfriend is ugly, but he treats me so good, we tell each other that we love each other, but i dont mean it and i feel bad because i know he does... and he cheated on me 2 months ago with this girl and now she is pregnant... i have his passwords to his msn and everything and he doesnt know that i use his account to creep on my ex's he would be pissed, he is so jealous all the time of all my guys friends every though i assure him he has no reason to be jealous my best friends knows the whole situation and wants me to leave him but i dont want to, i care about him and want to be with him but at the same time i want so much to get away from him, he drives me insane!!!!


First Comes Love, Then Comes...
Every time I start to date a new person, I always consider whether or not I could marry them, what marriage would be like, raising kids, the whole mess. It doesn't matter how long we haven't been together--I can't stop my brain from running through scenarios. I've only been dating my current boyfriend for two months and already I picture us blissfully wed. It's just neurotic and more than a little creepy.