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Sent to a friend[17265] What I Couldn't Tell You
This mess started when I was about seven. My step-sister, only a year older than myself, would make my Barbie dolls have sex. Various positions and etc. But at that time I still completely believed in the stork. I was afraid and ashamed of what she was showing me, but more afraid of losing my playmate and so I never told.Then, a year later after we moved, she would steal her dad's porn magazines and read them to me. Again, I felt uncomfortable, but I wanted her to think I was cool for a eight year old and so I didn't tell. She would also make me look at porn online and sit with her while she had "internet sex" with older men.
The effect of this never presented itself until one day when I was alone with my cousin, somehow we ended up kissing. He also let me touch him and told me he wanted to have sex (where he learned about it, I don't know. He was younger than myself). I had absolutely no idea that this was wrong or weird. I told him we couldn't because I didn't want to get pregnant (although I wouldn't start having my period for three more years, and more so, had no idea what a period was or how that effected pregnancy). This is something I feel extremely horrible and guilty about today, even though I know I really didn't know better.
Then one night, when I hadn't seen her in a while, my step-sister came over and we were going to have a sleep over. We played dolls and, like always, she made them have sex. She stayed in my room and everything was as normal as possible. Until she told me that she had always wondered what it was like to be a lesbian. I told her no but when she got angry, I agreed to let her kiss me. I was upset and she pretended that she didn't like it any more than I did but it was obvious that she did. She then showed me a dildo that she had stolen from my mom. She told me she was going to try it and asked me if I wanted to. I told her no and she got angry with me again. So I told her ok although I didn't really want her to. I was scared and angry but she pushed back the covers and shoved it inside me. It hurt so bad but she didn't stop until she noticed that I was crying. It never occured to me that this was sort of rape. I always argued that we were both children and I let her do it. Not to mention I never hated her for it until now. Then I still wanted her to be my friend. But if it's constituted as rape when an older man has sex with a minor, willingly or unwillingly, then it makes just as much sense for an unwilling minor to be raped by another minor.
She later taught me how to masturbate using the bathtub faucet or jets in a hottub. She would smile when I would sigh or moan, although it terrified me because, in the beginning, it happened unwillingly.
The truth is that some days I feel sorry for her, for whatever could have caused her to be so messed up. But mostly I hate her. I feel like she's ruined me and taken something from me that cannot be given back. I feel guilty and humiliated like the whole world can see this secret painted on my face, clear as day. And it causes me to hate myself just as much.
Is there hope?
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Comments
- I'm really sorry this happened to you, but I couldl relate about something like that. When I was younger my half sister wanted me to lick her thing, but said no and that was all that happened.
- Yes, there is.
- DUDE THAT IS HORRIBLE SHE HAS NO! FUCKING! RIGHT! TO DO THAT IF SOMEONE TRIED TO DO THAT TO ME I WOULD GET SO INCREDIBLEY ANGRY AND TELL EVERYONE ABOUT HER SO SHE WOULD BE FUCKED!!!!!!
