Read confession
Sent to a friend I'm a 19 year old girl and I'm not the kind of person that cries at movies and I'm pretty hard to impress when it comes to drama/romance. But something happened to me and I'm aware that I'm taking it too personally but I just can't help myself.I first saw Brokeback Mountain on tv, a few months ago by accident. I actually own the DVD and could have watched it a gazillion times by then, but I always had something better to do. I didn't even know it was on the schedule that night, but I thought I might as well watch it and find out what was all the fuss about. The whole week I was in a slump. First I felt a burning urge to discuss the movie but none of my friends had seen it (the way I did). It felt painful and depressing and I started crying madly. I never figured out why the subject of the movie has touched me so. I planned a whole day just for staying at home and watching it again and I did, and it was more painful than the first time. I spent the whole day crying, literally (walking nervoussly across the livingroom crying, lieing on the couch crying, crying in the bathroom after washing my face). I read the short story by Annie Proulx after I saw the movie. Everything about that movie makes me cry, even the soundtrack. Sometimes I remind myself perchance of the theme song or that song by Rufus Wainwright at the ending and I start to feel this burning in my chest and a lump in my throat and I know I'm about to cry or feel really depressed. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved the movie (the exceptional performances of all actors, the atmosphere that was captured, the perfect metamorphosys from short story to movie script, the realism, the music which seemed to fit every scene and to tighten everything together into one single story body), I just can't think about it without crying. This is really scary because it's not me. I'm not emo or depressed or suicidal, but when it comes to BBM I can't help myself. And it's even stranger that the feeling is very powerful physically. I feel like pukeing and crying in the same time.
Now I rarely think of that movie, and whenever I do, I just try to do it as shallowly as possible. I've tried to "exorcise" these feelings before by letting myself cry and watching it over and over, thinking it might "wear out", and it didn't, so in the end I just stopped thinking about it, and whenever I do, acidentally, I just shut it out.
I always knew I was sensitive about blind and ignorant intolerance, whatever form it might take: racial, sexual, religious etc. It's a heavy subject to approach in movies and what makes it even more painful is that it is often the story of more people than we can imagine. But I've never cried about it!!
I'm just baffled by this whole thing that has happened to me once I saw BBM. I doubt that one day I will be able to watch it peacefully because whenever I'm reminded of it the pain and sadness are so intense that it distracts me from anything else. I think I need to see a psychologist about this,... I'm serious :|
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Comments
- thats stange because thats exactly what happened to me after watchin stigmata, i mean im just trying to have a life i understand but since that movie i feel sort of guilty for never considering the religion or some other stuff, serious.
