Read confession
Sent to a friend[21357] Am I meant to live Alone?
Its a story of me and somewhat of a girl....Im described as a narcistic emotionaly cripple.Im actually filled with love for others,...I have such good intentions and true ones..But lets move on.
My real dad was never there,step dad split when I was 10-I attempted suicide at 11 to deal with the pain.After I was instituionalized everyone except a few true friends alienated thierselves from me.I became more frustrated at myself,the world.Im a big guy-6'5 at 16 yo.But everyone saw me for my
size not my age.I was punished harsher then average kids,But over the next 5 years Ive been
in and out of these f'd places and seen many horrible things at a young age..It hardened me.
I became violent,did alot of drugs,And occasionlly
harmed myself.These past 2 years things have gotten better.Thanks to finding maturity and somewhat answers through philosophy and self disipline...Now Im living life like a normaly teenager for the most part.But I still have some holes in me to be filled..It dawned on me a few days ago,My step dad who stayed in touch all these hard years has never called me son,not once.All my best friiends who I could trust with anything have moved away.I am seeing my life in a pessimistic way.And Ive been in horrible relationships the past few years,I met a girl who seems perfect..
Similar life,meaning I could openly connect and wouldnt have to barricade my feelings in fear of looking like a screw-up.But I made the move-Im not
bad with women at all.Varsity B-Ball,FB player..Top debate team.Athletic,intelligent,mature and charming is what Im often catagorized in.But
this girl makes my lips tremble when I try to talk.
I feel nervous and shaky.She moved here from a state 400 miles away,Is dating a dushebag who
argues with her,cheats on her and throws her in a guilt trip to get her back.She has sent many mixed messages and Im obviously misinterprinting(?) them.Now that I have almost everything on a positive note the only thing thats missing is a companion,I feel alone,like Im meant to be alone.
I want to be the one guy who treats her like royalty but she won't let me...I want to be her rescuer.
And Im getting hurt,making a fool of myself because Im slipping constantly.She agreed to
dating me when she was single..Well when she was cheated on and supposedly single according to herself.I wanted to be a gentleman-give her a day to get through the hurt,respectable.After that I ask her(since I had no intention of letting those pricks from her hometown make a move)she is back with the guy who hurt her.I mean everytime I get this far with a girl thats seems meant to be(which isnt often)I get hurt-life shits on me.After she made me feel insecure for reason overly complicated to be dragged out.I sent her a message via myspace-One my friend says was harsh...At the time I was so angry,I thought this would help me end my feelings for her..Now I realise I may have gone to far and my feelings wont just vanish...What should I do-Shes so emotionally fragile,I dont want her to hurt herself(yes she cuts),but I can tell we proably dont share mutal feelings,Im so torn,yesterday I smoked pot because of the situation..The first time in 1.2 years ive relasped.She hasnt read this message yet,I cant take back what I said.What should I do,Im dieing to show her I can be there for her,but don't wanna cross a boundry by moving in on her(despite the bf is a dushe) because she
said she likes him,has "feelings"..I have so much more to say..But to sum it up.Im hurt,confused,betrayed,fearful,all of the emotions in a blender type feeling.Is my fucked up situation
helpable.
Rating:0.00
