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[5588] pragnent engaged and unhappy

Im unhappy with the man I have planed to marry for 4 years (since i was still 17). We have had fights about

how unhappy I am. Athough he says he will kill himself if i leave him or cheat on him. He makes no effort to

make me happy.I tryed to leave two years ago so he tryed to kill himself.


A little over 4 months ago I was sleeping next to my male friend on his sofa ( because Im comfortable with

him and its nice to have someone curl up to when your sad ). He tryed to kiss me. I pulled back and told him I

couldnt but if I was single it would have happened. He wouldnt tell me why he tryed insted told me just to go

back to sleep. He seems to avoid me since that happened. I never told anyone what happened.


1 week later my fiancee started a fight with me saying I was cheating on him with someone I had seen once

in like the past year. I hadnt cheated with anyone. I had really wanted to but I didnt. I was so angry. I wanted

to leave him. I didnt even do anything and he was yelling at me and saying he should kill himself. I wanted to

go stay with my other friend. That had been trying to get me to leave because he was afriad I was going to kill

myself because I was so unhappy. I told him off (something i gave up on years ago because i never win a fight no

matter how wronge he is). I flat out told him Im not happy, Im not cheating, I dont plan to cheat, and if he

doesnt like me acting unhappy to do something about it or leave me the **** alone because I will not be spyed on

and treated like that.


I have cryed myself to sleep almost every night for probly a year now. I love him but he makes me so

unhappy.


Back to the friend that tryed to kiss me. He is 6 years older then me. He is a workaholic and a bit of a

alcaholic. All he does is worrie about work and hang out in bars.He seems very loney and afriad to let anyone

get close. I met him at karaoke. He is old friends with a old friend of mine. We spent about a month hanging out

all the time. In that month I felt I was falling inlove with him.I know even if he was single it wouldnt work

out he would break my heart probly every day.I still wish i could have him.The only time im happy is when im

around him. So when he started blowing me off it made me crazy. He was the only thing I had in my life that made

me happy. I couldnt even tell him how I felt about him.


One night I met up with him at a free show. He was with some other friends. So he wasnt the best host he

was mad at our friend for not meeting us and it seemed he was takeing it out on me. He gave me the cold shoulder

all night. I wanted to run out of the bar crying but he looked to sad and upset. Then I took him home because he

lives down the street from me. He gave me a big loveing hug good bye I dont understand how he can be so cold

then warm and loveing.

I cant get him out of my head not being able to have him makes me crazy. I dont even know how he really

feels about me. I dont think he loves me but I do think he cares.



Breaking point was about 6 weeks ago. The 3 of us (him, my fiancee and i) went out to the bar. We then took

my drunk and pukeing partner home but he still wanted to hang out. We went to a friend of his and goofed off for

a bit. Finally at about 5 am we went to his house. For some resion he wanted to pull a all nighter. Something he

never wants to do. He even had work the next day.


He curled up on the sofa with me. He wasnt watching the tv. He was pretty much just going to sleep so I

said if he just wants to nap we should just move to his room.I have shared a bed with him before after a night

of drinking at his friends house.My friends are mostly guys so its not uncommen for me to sleep next to them at

a party. I asked him for a t-shirt and curled up to him in his bed.

I held him close. His back was to me so i climbed over him and curled to his front. He smiled and hugged me

close. I knew he probly wanted to kiss me.I wanted so bad to kiss him but I knew once that line was crossed I

couldnt take it back.If I kissed him the friendship could be over. I might not get to see him again and I needed

him in my life so bad. My face was right at his our lips almost tuching.I wanted to bad for him to try one more

time.I couldnt take anymore. Finally i kissed him.He grabed me and kissed me like he needed it to live.I asked

him "You wouldnt do this to hurt me right?". He was shocked and said "why would I want to hurt you?".I told him

I have know people that would play games just to hurt me but I didnt think he would.My body couldnt stop

shakeing I was so scared. He asked me what I wanted and I said "I want today" I asked him and he said "whatever

you want". We rolled around for hours kissing and makeing love it was the happyest I have been in years.

After I went down stairs and took a shower. We feel alseep together for a few hours on his sofa.Then i took

him to work. He went in 3 hours late.We both said something about it being a one time thing and not wanting to

hurt anyone.He knows that I dont have the choice to leave my relationship.I have been traped for years.If we got

caught my fiancee would most likely try to kill him or atleast break his legs.He doesnt dislike my fiancee. He

has never said a bad thing about him. He even trys to assure me my relationship will get better again.I said I

was so late comeing home because I fell asleep watchign tv and he didnt want to wake me up.


The very next day I found out I was pragnent my life couldnt have been more of a wreck. Now this. I am

going to be a mom and my wedding is getting pushed forword it looks like. My parents are talking about helping

us get a house. Everyone is so excited but all I can think is how unhappy I am. Maybe I should have just killed

myself 4 months ago when I almost had the balls to do it.




The only thing that makes me happy is this other man I cant have. He wont even open up to me and tell me

how he feels I dont know if im hurting him or not. Part of me thinks maybe he loves me and he just wont admit it

to himself. If he loves me I could really hurt him with all of this. Part of me wants him to love me I think

everyone wants to be loved back. He knows I love him but he thinks that is silly. He says im not thinking

clearly. That he is too much of a mess to love.

A little over week ago we went out again. I thought he didnt want things to happen again but later that

night i came in once again to watch tv. We curled up together. Then he softly kissed me. I softly kissed him

back just as if i was his gf but it had a bit of sadness to it. I thought we would leave it at that but he kept

moveing forword.I tryed to behave. He started kissing me a little harder.He rolled on top of me and started

feeling my body. I asked him if knowing now that im pragent was a turn off.He said it didnt make him want me

less.It was nice to know he still wanted me I was afraid maybe I was just a conquest.

We moved to his room.Slowly we kissed and touched softly as clothes came off. The last time i didnt have a

orgasim because i was way to freaked out but this time i did.It was slow and peacefull. i havent felt that way

when makeing love to a man in years. Something seemed wronge like he was lost in thought. I asked him what was

the matter. he said he was uforic and smiled huging me close. At one point I was curled around his head kissing

him and telling him "I have to go its late". He looked up at me and said "please dont go" when I asked him why

he would ask me to stay when he knows I have to go he said "I just wanted you to know I dont want you to leave".

I asked why he didnt just say that and he said "because I cant" like he cant just tell me how he feels he has to

find another way to say it.


2 days ago I noticed I missed a text from him asking if > wanted to go to the mall. I sent him a text back

saying sorry I missed the text and I could take him the next day insted (for some resion he doesnt drive. he had

a car for a year and half that just sat in his driveway because he wouldnt drive it). He texted me back asking

me to go get some food with him for like an hour. I was too sick to eat anything so we went to the bar insted I

had water and he got drunk.When I took him home I asked if he wanted me to come in.Once again things

happened.When I left he seemed upset that I couldnt stay and sleep next to him for a little while.

I dont feel like its wronge. I feel like I should be happy while I can even if I have to stop. The question

is when do I stop? When do I draw the line? Do I get as close to him as I can while I have the chance or should

I try not to let him too close so he doesnt get hurt? I dont know when to say our time is up we cant be more

then friends anymore.

He is all i can think about. It has to stop at some point. I am haveing a baby and I cant build a life of lies

with the father. No matter how unhappy he makes me. At some point I have to except the last of my happyness and

freedom is gone. I will be a mother and a wife and thats all I will ever have from now on.

Rating:5.00

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