Read confession
Sent to a friend Hi...What do we all want from life?
What's the goal we'd like to achieve?
Most of us have something we'de like to achieve, it might be a career, a job we enjoy doing and gives back satisfactory rewards either in a good income, or satisfaction in whatever it is we're doing, though I never could understand those who's lives were all about their work!
Unles of course it's something where you really make a difference in others lives, a Doctor perhaps or a Surgeon, I can perhaps understand people like that who's life revolves around what they Do!
But for me, "life", was where you were and what you did outside the hours of work, that's your true life.
As I look back now through the years, look back to when my goals were being established, and I knew what I wanted, think back to see what it was that gave me reason to get up each day, what were my aims, what was it that I needed ...
I guess it was around 19 or 20.. actually no it was probably clear around 22, though perhaps I didn't realise it then, sometimes we're running on instinct, hormones, and don't always understand what drives us on, don't always have clarity of thought and direction.
For me it was to have an easy satisfying life, a content one, that didn't involve 'too' much work that removed too many hours from my 'real' life... a home, family and wife... the base, the rock solid base of what I needed was Love, but it couldn't be just your average - I wanted the kind of love that swept you off your feet, sent your emotions into the stratosphere! :) , ha~ I suppose the kind of thing you read about in fairytales, and movies.
I have a house and a family and wife, but I wish I had been aware, wish I'd been able to see clear, clarity of thought and presence of mind to have "known" way back then.. because in the here and now , I live with regret, deep regret, that all too often sweeps over me, and the thought that I can never alter or change the past. is at times a hard to live with, because I had that love, I found my princess, I had her in my arms and I was most definetely in the stratosphere! but for the lack of knowing it, clarity of thought, too close and couldnt step back and see that this IS it... it's true what "they" say.. you don't realise what you have till it's gone.
I loved her so much I was always worried I'd lose her, trust, insecurity, doubt, "wondering" when we were not together - all the "bad" emotions were the ones I had, even though she gave me no cause to doubt- I was insecure at the time, maybe even still a little imature.. and those bad emotions kept getting in the way!!
I made a momentary blunder, went through a period of a couple of weeks where I acted and did things very much out of character, and ruined what I had, I lost that love, the love of my life, I realise this now, I realised it shortly after losing it.. and i live with regret every day, I loved her more than anyone , before or since, but I messed up and lost it. ( someone else entered my life and I foolishly saw her for a short few times over a couple of weeks )
My life has been wasted without the Love I could have had, I loved her, she loved me, and for a while I had, though didn'nt realise it, everything I could have asked for, life could have been perfect.
If I could turn back time....
I'm so sorry for causing hurt where I should not have, but I pay for it day after day, I get through life mostly Ok, but years and years later - every now and then, though thankfully not now as often as it used to be - but now n then, I wake from a dream about her, see her face, that smile, and those loving eyes - and awake, I try to hold onto the vision, but like all dreams no matter how hard you try to hold on, they fade quickly, but for me it's the emotion that lingers long after, the emotion that I feel in the dream is as real as if it were happening in reality, and I'm once agin filed with the love I once had, to have her close, to touch and hold..... and waking with these emotions flowing, only adds to the despair of the loss, the knowing I once had all I could ask for.. but now is completely out of reach, and can't be changed, can't turn the clock back, can't reach out.
For all the years that have passed by - I wish now I had waited, if it took 10 years or twenty, - thirty?! the thought that I could actually have called her many years later, and tried once more to put things right - I could have.. but I had no way of knowing then, that that would be possible, 10 or 20 years ahead seems such a long time, but when you get there, and glance back - it's too often gone by in the blink of an eye, I COULD have waited - and tried again, but loneliness, and the need to have someone near - that was still there, I blocked her out, and for several years I was Ok, and then came the house the family and wife --- but memories and emotioned locked up and hidden away, have a way of resurfacing, little things that come along and remind you of a time of a person, and the door opens..... the memories flood back....
I loved her then, I love her now. and despite all else, there is an emptiness inside that only She would have been able to fill. My mistake, has cost me a life I could have had, and it still hurts now -so many many years later.
I don't imagine thoughts of me enter her mind very often, if at all, I wonder what she would think, if she knew how often I think of her, if she knew the love I felt then is still here, and the regret of my foolish stupid insecure immature actions of so long ago , still give me pain, knowing that were it not for my idiotic stupid mistake - we might now be together and had lived in love and happiness for all these years, that I look on now as having been wasted and lost to us.
I love her - like it was in the first couple of weeks, I love her still.
and it hurts so much - wishing she were here by my side, to hold, kiss, and Love.
Regret is a terrible thing to live with, try to avoid it wherever possible - cos more often that not - you cannot take back something you'd done or said.
To anyone reading this - whatever problem you have in your love life - step back from it and get a clear view of what it is, what you want, get some clarity , a clear view and with that - know what to do... or find someone to talk to talk it over with, if you's too close to the "problem" seek someone you trust to talk to, they may be able to see it clearer and give you advice and peace of mind.
Rating:4.00
Comments
- I bet your other half has regrets of her own. Now, all that you can do is make the best of the life you have. G.L.
- You sound like such a nice caring man. I am sorry you have such regret. I was happily married for 35 years, and then he suddenly announced he wanted out. Now I live alone. I fill my days with classes, hobbies, walks, visits with friends etc., but there is still a loneliness there. One of the lessons I had to learn that we are responsible for our own happiness. You should never expect someone else to "make you happy". Take care
